The Case of the Exploding Chef
by katbybee
Summary: So last year Carter bought Hogan a tank for his birthday… What surprises await Hogan THIS year? Well, dear readers, I take pen in hand to apprise you…. Written for the 2018 Speedwriting Challenge UUD R/R


Louis LeBeau was staring into his oven, an odd expression on his face. He looked up at Kinch in confusion. He had adapted many recipes to perfection under really abysmal conditions. His souffles' were no exception, and he had put in several hours on this particular one. It was going to be particularly tasty, since he had gotten the blend of cheeses from a fellow chef in Paris, who had sent them to him via the Underground.

The occasion was Colonel Hogan's birthday, and they'd all chipped in to buy the ingredients for the special meal they had planned, as well as for the gift they had shipped in: a brand-new set of pastels, a set of charcoals and a new sketch pad. It was not widely known beyond Barracks Two how talented an artist the Senior POW really was, but his men knew it was important to him. Therefore, it was important to them. Klink had even agreed to help out by keeping Hogan busy playing chess so LeBeau could make the souffle' without Hogan being any the wiser.

Before Kinch had a chance to ask Louis what was wrong, Andrew Carter came up through the bunk entrance from the tunnel, a puzzled and intent look on his face. The others looked on curiously as Andrew began frantically scanning every available surface in the room. He then turned his own bunk into a shambles, pulling off the blanket and even lifting off the straw mattress, before dropping it back into its wooden frame.

Andrew then moved on to his footlocker. He pulled every item he owned out and laid them carefully on his now bare mattress. Caution was prudent, since a few of the items he stored in his locker were truly...concerning. Kinch made some rapid mental notes at some of the items. Surely gelignite, spare gunpowder and blasting caps were not entirely safe, even if they all trusted their demolitions expert implicitly! Besides, even though Schultz was something of an honorary member of Barracks Two, their luck was liable to run out one day…

The men were all startled when something jumped out of the locker and Andrew flew back in surprise. "There you are, Ernestine! Somebody grab her quick!"

The men all reacted instinctively, diving to catch the runaway, even though no one knew for sure who, or more appropriately _what_ "Ernestine" was. Newkirk happened to catch the brass ring, which in this case turned out to be a rather large, rather bored looking greyish-brown toad. His revulsion was immediate and very nearly fatal for Ernestine. "Aaargh! Yeeech, Carter…take this bloody creature!" _He hated toads!_

Carter, unaware he had stumbled on one of his best friend's few fears, quickly rescued his pet. "Gee, thanks, Newkirk!"

The mystery behind Carter's latest pet was solved as he put the toad back, "How'd you get out of your box, Ernie? Your leg is a lot better, huh? Pretty soon I'll put you back in the forest. You better rest for now."

Kinch cocked an eyebrow at Carter. "So, Ernestine is what you were looking for?"

Carter's eyes got big. "Oh, my gosh, no!" He looked around the room again. "It has to be here somewhere!"

Kinch frowned. "What are you looking for?"

The young man blushed. "Well, you know the mission we're getting ready for?"

Kinch nodded warily. "Yeah…"

"Well, I kinda misplaced one of my timers."

It was at that moment Louis LeBeau exploded in a stream of truly impressive French invectives…

He turned murderous eyes on their technical sergeant. " **Tick-tock, tick-tock**? Souffles are supposed to _rise and bake delicately_ , Andre', not go 'tick-tock, tick-tock'!"

And indeed, the creation in question, which had risen perfectly during baking, was now merrily ticking away… LeBeau carefully placed the souffle' on top of the stove and they all stared at it mutely. All but Carter.

Andrew's face lit up in delight. "Oh, there it is!" He started towards the stove but was stopped by the tip of a large carving knife tapping him in the middle of his chest.

Carter looked down at the knife and then at LeBeau. "Louis! You wouldn't hurt _me,_ would you?"

Louis tipped his head, his dark eyes flashing. "I might."

Kinch snickered, and Newkirk nearly lost it. Andrew tried to think of a way to get himself out of trouble with the volatile little Frenchman. "Look, I don't think it will actually poison the souffle' or anything... there's nothing in it that could actually hurt us. I was just gonna take it out."

LeBeau shook his head. " _Non_. If you are sure that there is nothing in the timer that will hurt anyone, then we shall just wait until dinner, and _you_ shall explain it to Colonel Hogan. And I shall serve that piece to you." The American nodded, completely unruffled by either prospect.

 **~HH~**

Hogan was surprised by the dinner and by the gifts. He was especially amused by the ticking souffle', although he wasn't sure he wanted to know how the timer ended up in the souffle' in the first place, and he noticed Carter was _not_ saying. As it turned out, there was no damage to either the flavor or the quality of the souffle', and the men enjoyed the meal immensely.

Hogan had won all six of the games of chess he had played with Klink. They were ready for tomorrow night's mission. The thoroughly baked timer was still in perfect working order, even though Andrew said it would take him a couple of hours to clean it up. And the men shared the bottle of schnapps Hogan had managed to filch from Klink's office. All in all, it was a very satisfying party and the men were quite contented. That is, until one final question came up about the timer….

Kinch regarded Andrew for a moment. "How is it that it survived the heat of the oven… I mean that it was still ticking?"

Andrew scratched his head. "Well, it's a new design I've been playing with… one that can survive heat, water, lots of different environments." He grinned. "Heck, LeBeau, you kinda helped me test it!"

It took both Kinch and Newkirk to pull LeBeau off Carter. The black eye lasted nearly a week.

 **~The End~**


End file.
